yo! why you reading my blog anyway?
this might be so called the
burning bush with God's voice in it.


you looked at me and said
shhh... be quiet baby love

i planteds seeds
i raised my voice
i fed it well
nurtured the heart from which
you fell
i opend my mouth to speak
to shout
to save you/us from the hell we are bound

shhh... be quiet baby love
you said this scheme will free us
to be
rich in hell
you will be comfortable

she kept her quiet
her comfort stayed quiet too
no light without dark
her face turned blue
she kept working to
be
rich in hell
shhhh...you said just
be well

her quiet grew 
the shh...grew strong
her words were silent
her sentence written on her feet and palms

outside she worked always 
 wealth
she shared and
feared
inside working all the time
to make up for no outer sound

anger began to spew from her
spew at her
shes cheating
shes not eating
this is her food
what we say
swallow these stones whole
or shhh... be quiet baby
walk alone away

elections into office
be the lead role they said
her hands and feet bleeding
they pin her up
and get angry at their reflection
retaliate for their wrongs
she still shhhh....  inside
quietly
screaming

and ever so quiet her insides grew
sneaking through the night
storms began to
speak for her
she slept right
through and out over into
waking in a rage
pointing fingers at their elected leader
she opened in defense
noticed the senses numb and hers working
but cold
blue
felt the fire rising
like heat from a molten core
volocano beats
oil bled on her sheets
shhhh....they said be quiet
baby love
baby
no more

windows busted
empty
debris rests shallow pointing fingers trying to keep score
shhh.... be quiet
buildings in cities starting falling to the ground
lives lost and found and lost and found
shhh.... be quiet baby love
baby
waves like a rage tore open and split insides
they looked the other way
he swept himself under the carpet
shh...be quiet baby...
baby go your own way

(more.. ?! later. grr. )

hi! these are letters as words as my life illuminated... so read or don't. grow away either way.


I started seeing you when I was fourteen
four-hundred-fifty-dollars to feed the three me's
all looking around for her teacher
they kept preaching
i was reaching over
and you sat there
feeling bad for the life you forgot
acts in bitter rather than the opposite
me the love fee

then it creeps up on you from the past
i wear it like a mask
stab you in your/my back
i am that which you always thought i lacked
the sentence of clever words you gave yourself when you/I left

your reflection looks less familiar
the part of you that lost me never missed her
i saw you see her in everyone but me
you look away from me
so full open 
fertile me
you planted seeds in the scence

like a movie script you write yourself in the staring role
ell eyes on you and i saw you look at me just before yours closed
my eyes open

i watch you decieve yourself from behind the camera
i held your little hand in mine
i will take on you pain, love
my eyes were always open

you didn't want to see me watching you play yourself in a game
and this social work duct tape you put over my eyes is on its way to you, love
and if i knew how, i'd pray for you, love
and if i could see you i'd run away with you, love
and i'd try to save you, love
and you'd see me lacking cause the feminine has left you, love

now i see you in every man without a heart
or do i see every man as you without a heart
and i love them all cause you forgot to start
so i pick you up and throw you in the air and watch you smile as my hands catch you again
my child lover sister brother mother friend
i am no martyr
i see you in the end

these bills from your social systems
you pay for the water in hell
the electricity while you turn the lights off
the lawn is cut before it begins to grow
their blood all over the snow and you button up your coat
you miss that set of xmas china pawned on a fuck
chess with pointed fingers and i'll let you but never take it
i'm not fighting anymore
you pine for me and pull the trigger
blame it on my/your cycle of bitter
your falic sysmbol is starting to fall off
and my eyes are still open

and everytime you die
i am born again
everytime you burry yourself inside
i plant the seeds
in the dirt you throw at me
i watch you break your head open in the morning
all the memories shatter on the floor
i pick them up with open eyes
your word play gets whats left of you
like an alphabet whore
and no one is even
keping score.

you jump to conclusions to fit your illusion
of me i am the misunderstood woman/man/girl/boy
but you never saw the me
she kept giving her life just to see
you see the love
there is no fee
you kept drawing your karmic map to get your money back
and i climbed up the fire escape and left through the back
are you still on your treasure hunt?
climbing through whats left inside of you/me
abusing your sexuality and you ask me why
the moments' motion is so fast and easy

if you were beside me
inside of me
you'd know i am ready to go
my life is happening
dieing
then over
flow
wake up again
every day
alone in this house
making love to the letters
i am my own spouse

can they hear their echos
on the positive end?
this situation has become a win win win

when the words run out
the letters are not enough
you see her in me
but the me you saw was never enough

the money will keep coming!
have no worries, love
the world keeps turning
and we're in everything that rises above

don't abuse the dirt in which you were born
there is no concrete in eden and no is keeping score
the universe is born again
here the secret: i am the big bang
its all happening at once and then never again

so what to to do
what to do
while i sit here in heaven
eat sweet and sour apples all day
heal with my hands
sit in this constellation and avoid predicting the weather
i am less than you
i am better than you
i am you
so before you go looking
kiss you toes and eyelids
thats what i am doing

" My ex-wife pawned the Christmas china I bought in '97... after she left me all alone in my Kingdom ...                      I am going to pawn our daughter. I bet I could all my fucking money back... almost. She isn't shapley.. so maybe a little less. I'll show her... pawn my fucking christmas china, fucking 14kt. gold plated. "

This is a secret.

And... people will read it, and i suspect make a judgement or some sort of assumption to self-assert themselves.... remove themselves a litle further from the crazy yet curous world of Kimi.

(my cat is on my lap like a baby right now... wow. i love her like a baby.)


Some refer to it as simple-mindedness.... I like to think of it as orignial freedom.

Like when you are a child... your curiosities, questions, spontanious ideas and thoughts just flow out of you without inhibition. They are from the part of you that is still untouched by social systems or mental boundries... theyare not said in defense of an insecurity or in hopes to gain recognition of greatness or or place you in a cast.. they flow out from a place that hasn't seen the light-less parts of the world, the dis-connected spots or secret tricks in the matrix... they are fearless.. hmm.. yes. I miss those. Up until... maybe a year ago, i was the fountain of youth. ha! and every word that came from my mouth was spontanious, slightly naive, mostly free. 

yeah most people over the age of... 8 or so....  despise them, business man shoot them down with stock quotes and credit cards, mothers often try to cover their children's ears' in fear of disrupting their cloning process...These 'things' ( for lack of a better term.. ), that I once called my glorious beautiful friend/soulamtes/blood/mini-me's, started to think that they needed to play a role in a war of words and conversation and tried to cast me in it....( I wasn't so good at it and didn't want to be.) and i started to notice.

So I turned out the light in that space inside me, and pulled the shades (but left the window open so it can still feel the breeze from every point or angle in which I am standing).

I put on a new pair of shoes and started reading books about the brain in hopes to just maybe foget about that space (that i will not allow to get older... ever). I studied religions, philosophies on life. I claimed to be a femenist and tried to be a tough bitch. I even stopped shaving my armpits once... I lost a lot of friends.  ( ahahahaa....) I identified myself with certain clothing and music. I throught of myself as some sort or revolutionary movement, some changing the world's wrongs to rights and kicking the pope in the balls type of lady, with hairy armpits and body odor cause deoderant can cause breast cancer! ( yeah lost some aquaintences for that one to.... i love it)  I dated men and loved them ( never telling them of my childish wonders, although I'm sure they noticed due to the fact that I enjoy my own company now ) I go to college, I drink alcohol sometimes.. at bars (ha!! thats a joke... the music is love sometimes though) . I study and sit in social systems like classrooms and the various political stages of society ( i havn't quite figured out how to participate.. without offending an 'adult' and/or vessel longing to be recognized for greatness and/or superiority/coolness ) I pull the shades when I have private dance parties (yeah, I'm not gonna stop that.... ) I cried over men and old friends ( i cried cause i felt old, not cause of them. they are like my freckles. ) I started over-reading peaople, under-reading people, filling in the blanks of people,.. I started to give my plants chemical plant food instead of fish emulsion. I started living on concrete, only escaping to the earth in secret dressed in all black as though I was stealing time that should have been spent on my "career of changing the world and being an individual" I started using phrases in a repetative mannor, like "have a good day" or "take care" all the while knowing i wanted to say.. "have a frivolous day and do something embarassing,like fall on purpose.... or go have a dance party with your grandma and love that ..!" or "yeah.. I don't really like you that much, lets not hang out!"..... heh.

This nu-ness, this middle version of me between then and the end of writing this out...It is, ...  the feeling of throw-up in your nostrils ... high-heels in winter ... starving babies in thrid world countries ... that extreme cold feeling that smacks you in the fact fresh-outta the womb.

In short: things change.

Inside at the essence of me:  I am still so curious, knowing everything and nothing and craving the light of spontanaity and spiritual nothingness-vision... the brilliance in the endless possibilities of wonder... the creativity of every step you take, existing and living in that moment all its' own.

I and gently and with a slow, patient grace, flowing toward the balance. ( I am re-considering having kids... I would not enjoy watching a life I made go through this. I like trees and flowers and they are free to simply grow. )